Loneliness

Loneliness is a feeling. It describes the lack of closeness, belonging, and understanding that a person feels acutely. Parents of a sick or severely stressed child may feel lonely, even though the house is full and the phone is ringing.

This is distinct from social isolation. It refers to a measurable lack of social contact: few meetings, hardly any phone calls, and a shrinking circle of friends. Isolation can lead to loneliness, but it doesn’t have to. Some parents have many social contacts and still feel alone because no one truly shares their concern for their child.

Loneliness often creeps up on you slowly. First, you cancel a coffee date because your child is having a bad day. Then the next one. After a few months, your calendar is empty.

• Invitations are turned down or stop being extended altogether.
• Conversations with others feel exhausting because there’s no room to talk about what’s on your mind.
• You avoid the question of how your child is doing.
• Old friendships fade away, and new ones hardly ever form.
• The feeling that no one around you understands what everyday life is really like.

Many parents also describe withdrawing from their circle of friends—a shift they themselves hardly notice at first.

Worrying about a child takes up time and energy. Appointments with doctors, therapists, and at school dictate the day. There’s little time left for getting together with friends, and even when there is time, the energy is gone.

Added to this is the feeling of being misunderstood. Well-meaning advice from those around you often misses the mark. Phrases like “They’ll grow out of it” or “Be stricter” leave parents speechless. After a few such experiences, many prefer to say nothing at all.

Specialized agencies classify caregivers and family members under constant strain as groups at increased risk of loneliness. Those who focus almost around the clock on their child lose touch with their own social circles. Shame about their child’s situation also holds parents back, as does the fear of being a burden to others by bringing up the topic.

Prolonged loneliness rarely leaves no trace. Specialized websites classify it as a burden that affects both the body and the mind. On the physical side, it is associated with a higher risk of cardiovascular disease, diabetes, a weakened immune system, and a shorter life expectancy.

Psychologically, loneliness is linked to sleep problems, diminished concentration, and an increased risk of a depressive episode. For some people, dark thoughts—including suicidal thoughts—also increase. An analysis of survey data from the U.S. showed that people who experience chronic loneliness reported depressive symptoms significantly more often than those who do not feel this way.

For parents, this creates a vicious cycle. The exhaustion from constant worry and loneliness feed off each other, and the energy they have for their child becomes increasingly scarce.

The first step is usually the smallest one. A phone call to someone who will listen without judging. A set time each week dedicated solely to your own support network.

• Support groups for parents in similar situations. There’s no need to explain things because the other person understands the situation.
• Local counseling centers, such as those run by Caritas, Diakonie, or family counseling services.
• Small, reliable social circles instead of large gatherings. A walk for two is easier than a party.
• Phone and online services when going out isn’t an option right now.

Part of taking care of yourself is prioritizing these connections just as much as your children’s appointments. The Competence Network on Loneliness, funded by the relevant federal ministry, gathers knowledge and resources to combat loneliness and raises awareness of the issue.

Some signs require professional help. If loneliness persists for weeks, if motivation and joy disappear, or if thoughts turn dark, medical or psychotherapeutic help is recommended. A good first point of contact is your family doctor’s office, which can refer you to the appropriate services.

In cases of acute crises and suicidal thoughts, the telephone counseling service (0800 111 0 111) and the medical on-call service (116 117) are available around the clock.

Rückenwind provides supportive coaching for parents and helps them focus on their own strengths. This support is not a substitute for a diagnosis or treatment. Only a medical or psychotherapeutic specialist can determine whether the exhaustion is caused by a condition requiring treatment; questions regarding the child should be addressed to a child and adolescent psychiatry specialist.