Can't Find Peace

“Not being able to wind down” is not a medical term. Parents use it to describe a child who can’t calm down in the evening. The child has been running around all day, is exhausted, and yet continues to talk, kick, and ask questions in bed. The body is tired, but the mind keeps going.

Experts refer to this as inner restlessness or overexcitement. In some children, this occurs every evening; in others, only after busy days filled with many new experiences, visitors, or an outing. The term is often used in connection with ADHD, because an excessive urge to move is a core symptom of that condition. However, it applies just as well to highly sensitive children without any diagnosis, whose nervous systems take longer to transition from high activity to a calm state.

A typical pattern repeats itself almost every day:

• The child tosses and turns in bed for a long time, gets up several times, wants a drink, or has something else to say.
• After playing, their mood quickly shifts to irritability, arguments, or tears.
• The more tired the child gets, the more hyperactive they become, instead of slowing down.
• During the day, they seem restless, switch activities quickly, and have a hard time settling into quiet activities.
• Screen time in the evening noticeably increases their restlessness.

Important to note: A single hyperactive evening after a children’s birthday party is normal. It becomes a cause for concern when winding down becomes a struggle almost every day and sleep is regularly cut short.

Young children are not yet able to regulate their own arousal. Before falling asleep, they need a period during which the day’s many impressions fade and boisterous play gives way to calmer activities. Without this period, their system remains in high gear.

When too many stimuli come at once—such as noise, light, hustle and bustle, and schedules—a child who is highly sensitive to stimuli becomes overwhelmed and finds it even harder to wind down. In the case of ADHD, professional organizations describe gross and fine motor restlessness accompanied by an increased urge to move. This motor restlessness is most pronounced in younger children and often subsides by puberty. The primary cause is believed to be specific characteristics in how the brain functions in interaction with the environment. An estimated 5 percent of children and adolescents are affected. Not every restless child has ADHD, and a strong urge to move alone is not sufficient for a diagnosis.

The most effective approach is a gradual transition rather than an abrupt change. Specialized websites on children’s health recommend setting aside at least half an hour for the time between playtime and bedtime.

• Wind down: No screens during the last hour before bedtime; dim the lights and speak in a softer voice.
• Offer a calm activity: Read aloud, look at a book, cuddle, or do a puzzle. Redirect an overexcited child to a quiet activity in time, before their mood takes a turn for the worse.
• A set routine: Always following the same sequence—brushing teeth, a story, and a goodnight kiss—provides a sense of security and signals to the body that the day is ending.
• Exercise during the day: Plenty of exercise and fresh air during the day create a pleasant tiredness in the evening.

Co-regulation is key: A child who can’t wind down will calm down when they see their parents are calm. Your own slow breathing, a gentle hand on their back, and just a few words are more effective than telling them to finally be quiet.

It’s a good idea to talk to your pediatrician if the restlessness persists for weeks and significantly disrupts daily life: if the child chronically doesn’t get enough sleep, has a hard time getting out of bed in the morning, clashes with others at daycare or school, or suffers from their own anxiety. Observations from your family’s daily life—such as when the restlessness is at its worst and what triggers it—can be helpful.

Rückenwind We’ll support you in creating calmer evenings and help you develop better co-regulation skills. Whether ADHD, a sleep disorder, or another cause is behind the restlessness can only be determined by a medical professional or a child and adolescent psychotherapist, typically through a child and adolescent psychiatry referral. We do not make diagnoses.