The "Terrible Twos" with 4: When This Phase Just Won't End

Among your friends, the tantrums have died down, but at your house, things are still chaotic. Maybe even more so than before. Now there are swear words flying, doors slamming, and sometimes a “You’re not my mom anymore.”

Before you start doubting yourself or your child: Even at age 4, intense bouts of asserting independence are common. They just look different than they did at age 2, and that’s exactly what makes you feel uncertain.

In short

Even at age 4, tantrums and power struggles are still normal. Many children don’t reliably learn to regulate their frustration until their fifth or sixth birthday. At age 4, anger becomes more verbal and targeted. It’s only worth taking a closer look if the outbursts increase instead of subsiding, or if the child regularly hurts themselves or others.

Why Things Still Get Heated at Age 4

Self-regulation matures slowly and with setbacks. On good days, 4-year-olds can already do an amazing amount: wait, share, and accept losing a game. On bad days, all of that falls apart again because the child is tired, hungry, or overstimulated. The ability is there. It’s just not stable yet.

On top of that, a four-year-old’s life has become more complex. Preschool, friendships, first comparisons, maybe a sibling. A bigger world means more opportunities for frustration. At age 4, anger is less often triggered by a banana that’s the wrong shape and more often by something like, “Lena didn’t want to play with me.”

And finally, the behavior changes. Four-year-olds are less likely to throw themselves on the floor. They prefer to provoke, refuse to cooperate, or hurt others with their words. This seems more deliberate and hits parents harder. But behind it all lies the same old issue: intense emotions paired with an underdeveloped ability to control them.

What Works at Age 4

The basics remain the same: stay calm and consistently enforce a few rules. After the storm, reconciliation is part of the process. At age 4, new tools become available that didn’t work before.

• Discuss the situation during calm moments: “What happened this morning? What would have helped you?” Four-year-olds can already talk about this with surprising wisdom.
• Brainstorm solutions together: a “anger pillow,” a safe space, maybe an agreed-upon “stop word.” Children are more likely to use solutions they’ve helped develop.
• Give advance warning and assign responsibility: “We’ll clean up in ten minutes. Do you want to set the timer?” Hand over control where possible.
• When it comes to swear words: set limits briefly and calmly, without a big negotiation. A word that triggers a huge reaction every time will only become really interesting to your child.

Normal or more? Here’s how to assess it

The question that worries parents of four-year-olds the most is: Is this still normal? A single day doesn’t help much in answering that. Whether your child had three outbursts today says almost nothing. Look at the trend over months: Is it gradually leveling off, or is it increasing?

You should pay close attention if the outbursts become more frequent and last longer after their fourth birthday, rather than becoming less frequent. This also includes regular, serious injuries to the child or others. If the daycare reports the same difficulties you’re experiencing, that’s another sign—as is anger accompanied by other concerns, such as severe anxiety or developmental setbacks.

What to do next is explained in detail in the article “The ‘Terrible Twos’ or More.” The short version: The first step is to see a pediatrician. Getting a diagnosis takes the pressure off, because then you’ll know where you stand.

Reflecting on Your Own Exhaustion

A defiant phase that lasts two years longer than expected takes a different toll than just a few wild months. Many parents of high-energy four-year-olds are chronically exhausted and, at the same time, feel ashamed of it because everyone around them seems to have long since relaxed.

If this sounds familiar, take it seriously. Constant stress without rest is the surest path to parental burnout. You can love your child and still find this phase almost unbearable. Both feelings go hand in hand, even if they feel contradictory.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is a defiant phase still normal at age 4?

Yes. Many children have intense tantrums until their fifth birthday, and some until their sixth. Pay attention to the trend over several months: If the outbursts gradually become less frequent and shorter, that’s a normal progression.

My child says hurtful things during arguments. Do they mean it?

No. At age 4, phrases like “I hate you” are the verbal equivalent of a tantrum on the floor. Your child is using them to express just how intense the emotion is at that moment. The phrase says nothing about your relationship.

When should I have the tantrums evaluated by a doctor?

If the outbursts increase rather than subside after their fourth birthday, if the child regularly injures themselves or others, or if the outbursts occur equally often at daycare and at home. Your first point of contact should be your pediatrician’s office.

What helps now

A four-year-old who’s still struggling isn’t giving you a report card on your parenting. It just takes them a little longer to learn self-regulation, just as other children take longer to learn to ride a bike. Stay the course and make sure you’re recharging your own batteries. Get a second opinion if your gut feeling won’t let you rest. That’s exactly what it’s there for.

Read more and explore further

• The autonomy phase: an overview. Why this phase is allowed to last so long.
• Defiance phase—or something more? How to tell if a closer look is in order.
• Signs of parental burnout. When two years of constant stress take their toll.
• Rückenwind -Newsletter. Support for the long haul, even beyond emergencies.