Coping Strategies

Coping strategies—known in technical terms as “coping”—are a person’s efforts to deal with a stressor that currently exceeds their capacity to handle it. The term was coined by psychologists Richard Lazarus and Susan Folkman. In 1984, they described coping as constantly changing cognitive and behavioral efforts to deal with internal and external demands.

Coping occurs partly consciously and partly automatically. It includes cognitive processes such as reframing a situation and observable behaviors such as problem-solving or seeking help. For parents of a child with a mental illness, these are the small and large reactions to everyday life: the call to the counseling center, taking a deep breath before a parent-teacher conference, or taking a break on the balcony after a hard day.

Lazarus distinguishes between two basic approaches. In problem-focused coping, a person addresses the stressful situation directly and tries to change it. Examples include: learning about a child’s illness, delegating household chores, working with the school to arrange accommodations, or scheduling an appointment at the clinic.

Emotion-focused coping, on the other hand, focuses on one’s own feelings arising from the stress. You manage anxiety, anger, or exhaustion—for example, by talking to a friend, getting a few minutes of exercise, or practicing mindful breathing.

Both approaches have their place. If a situation can be changed, the problem-oriented approach helps. If a situation is largely beyond one’s control—such as the wait for a therapy spot—dealing with one’s own feelings provides more relief. Those who know their stress tolerance often intuitively sense which approach is most effective at the moment.

Not every strategy is beneficial in the long run. Studies show a recurring pattern: active problem-solving, accepting a situation, and seeking emotional support are associated with lower levels of psychological distress. These approaches are considered helpful or adaptive.

Other patterns provide temporary relief but exacerbate the situation in the long run. These include chronic avoidance, constant self-blame, and turning to alcohol or other substances. They are considered unfavorable or maladaptive and are associated with higher levels of psychological distress.

• Helpful: asking for help, sharing tasks, scheduling regular rest periods, practicing relaxation techniques, and naming your feelings.
• Unhelpful in the long run: shouldering everything alone, cutting off contact with others, blaming oneself, and using alcohol to numb the stress.

The lines between these are blurred. Withdrawing over the weekend can be restorative. If it drags on for weeks, however, what started as rest becomes a warning sign.

Both approaches to coping can be practiced in everyday family life. On the practical level, it helps to plan concrete steps: make a note of a designated contact person at the hospital, divide the weekly schedule between both parents, and inform your employer about a stressful period. Such steps help you regain some sense of control.

On an emotional level, your own recovery is key. Progressive muscle relaxation, a short walk, or an honest conversation with friends or in a support group can strengthen your resilience. Many parents underestimate the importance of self-care because the sick child demands all their attention. Anyone who operates at their limit for months on end risks deep exhaustion, which the child also senses.

A proven intermediate step is to look at your own sources of strength. In counseling, this is called resource activation: working together to identify what used to sustain you and bringing a small part of that back into your daily life. Sometimes, half an afternoon off per week is enough to start with.

Coping is a skill that can be learned. Parenting coaching and support, such as that offered at Rückenwind, help parents find helpful strategies and recognize unhealthy patterns. This is support, not treatment.

If the stress doesn’t subside, sleep is disrupted for weeks on end, mood remains persistently low, or thoughts of giving up arise, professional help is needed. The first places to turn are your family doctor’s office, psychotherapy practices, and counseling centers. For children, a diagnosis and an assessment of what treatment is necessary can only be made by a child and adolescent psychiatrist or a medical or psychotherapeutic specialist.