Doesn't follow the rules

"He just doesn't follow the rules." Parents say this when a child knows the rules, can even repeat them, and still breaks them. After the third reminder, the remote control is still in the child’s hand. The shoes are in the middle of the hallway again. At dinner, the child jumps up, even though everyone is supposed to stay seated at the table.

This phrase describes a behavior, not a diagnosis. Some children deliberately test boundaries; that’s part of their development. For others, rule-breaking accumulates over months—at home, at daycare, and at school—and despite clear instructions, little changes. It’s precisely this pattern that pushes parents to their limits, because the usual explanations and reminders don’t work.

Following rules sounds simple, but it places a heavy demand on the brain. The child must keep the rule in mind, resist the urge to act, and weigh the immediate temptation against a future reward. These control functions are carried out by what are known as executive functions—namely, self-control, working memory, and planning. In children with ADHD, these very functions work less reliably.

Then there’s impulse control. An impulsive child acts before the thought “I’m not allowed to do that” even occurs to them. They interrupt conversations, grab things, or run off. Specialized websites describe this very behavior as the core of impulsivity in ADHD: spontaneous, often risky reactions without thinking about the consequences.

A third issue is simply forgetting. What was agreed upon gets lost amid the next distraction. To outsiders, this looks like ignoring the rule, even though the child couldn’t recall it at the crucial moment.

It’s worth for parents to consider whether a child is simply refusing to follow a rule or whether they’re simply failing to follow it at that moment. Both look the same from the outside, but require a different response.

Here are a few pointers to help you figure it out:

• The child knows the rule but tends to fail to follow it especially when they’re excited, tired, or distracted.
• Afterward, they get frustrated with themselves over the slip-up and can’t explain why it happened again.
• The rule violations occur in many situations, not just during a specific unpopular task.
• Punishments and scolding do little to change the pattern, even after weeks.

If several of these points apply, it suggests a weakness in self-regulation rather than intentional misbehavior. Punishments in such cases are misdirected because they assume a level of self-regulation that hasn’t yet been consistently established. This assessment is not a substitute for a professional evaluation; it simply helps you interpret everyday situations differently.

Rules are more effective when they align with a child’s ability to self-regulate. Pediatricians and ADHD specialists recommend similar guidelines:

• Few rules. Three to five clear rules that are consistently enforced are more effective than twenty that no one can stick to.
• Be specific. “We walk in the living room” is more concrete than “Behave yourself.” The child should know exactly what behavior is expected.
• Respond immediately. Children with ADHD rarely respond to consequences that come hours later. Praise or consequences should follow right away.
• Praise desired behavior. If you set a rule for the child, praise them just as clearly when they follow it. Point systems have proven effective.
• Repeat without blame. A calm reminder is more effective than a long lecture about disappointment.

Structured programs, such as parent training, teach exactly these techniques and provide parents with a consistent approach that all caregivers can support.

It’s a good idea to talk to a professional if the rule-breaking persists for months, occurs in multiple areas of life, and is causing the child distress—for example, through constant arguments, trouble at school, or social exclusion. The first point of contact is the pediatrician, who can refer you to a child and adolescent psychiatry clinic.

Coaching and parental support, such as those offered at Rückenwind, can strengthen you in your daily life and provide you with concrete tools. However, only a medical or psychotherapeutic specialist—or a child and adolescent psychiatry clinic—can determine whether ADHD or another condition is underlying the behavior. A diagnosis should be made by these professionals, and the sooner appropriate support begins, the less burdened families will feel in their daily lives.