Not doing anyone justice

A child is sick, going through a mental health crisis, or needs a lot of support. Most of your attention, time, and energy goes toward that. At the same time, the sibling is waiting on the sofa, your partner only hears about practical matters in the evening, emails are piling up at work, and your own needs have been put on hold for weeks. “Not being able to do right by anyone” describes the grueling feeling of not giving enough in every area. No matter where your energy goes, it’s lacking somewhere else. By evening, you’re left with the feeling that you’ve been running around all day and still let everyone down. On top of that, many parents carry around a guilty conscience that they can’t shake off during the day and that returns as they fall asleep.

This feeling rarely manifests as a clear thought. More often, it presents itself as a persistent sensation in the body and mind.

• Constantly keeping score of who didn’t get enough today.
• Irritability over little things, even though the kids aren’t to blame.
• Thoughts going round and round at night instead of sleep.
• The feeling of being needed everywhere at once and not being enough anywhere.
• Withdrawing from friends because there’s no time anyway.

If this state persists for weeks, it can lead to deep exhaustion. The body then often reacts with sleep problems, headaches, susceptibility to infections, or constant tension. The situation becomes particularly stressful when one’s own breaking point has long since been exceeded.

The desire to please everyone doesn’t come out of nowhere. A large part of the invisible planning and organizational work in families—often called “mental load”—falls on one person, usually the mother. Anyone who has to keep track of shoe sizes, therapy appointments, and parent-teacher conferences all at once feels responsible for everything. Add a sick or emotionally distressed child to the mix, and this burden increases dramatically. A large proportion of parents feel constantly exhausted anyway, especially between the ages of 30 and 45, when career, children, and financial security all come into play at once. Added to this are expectations from the outside world and within one’s own mind: the perfect mother, the reliable colleague, the attentive partner. These ideals don’t fit into a daily life dominated by a sick child. The pressure not to disappoint anyone grows precisely when energy is at its lowest.

Time and energy are limited. A day has 24 hours, and a person has only one body. If a child needs a lot of attention at a given moment, that same hour cannot be split between a sibling, a partner, and work. The expectation of fully meeting everyone’s needs at the same time relies on resources that no one has. Experts point out that siblings of sick children often take a back seat, without parents intending to or even realizing it. The reason is a lack of time and energy. This has nothing to do with affection for the children. For many parents, the feeling of neglecting the healthy sibling is one of the hardest parts of this time. A helpful reminder: Children need reliable parents who are sometimes able to give a little less but are there for them again afterward. “Good enough” is sufficient during such phases, and it also helps preserve your own strength.

When no one can have everything, making choices becomes a challenge. That sounds tough, but it’s also a relief.

• Identify what really matters this week and what can wait.
• Schedule short, set times for your other child—even if it’s just twenty minutes alone.
• Delegate tasks to your partner, grandparents, friends, or child welfare services.
• Talk openly with your partner about how to divide up responsibilities before resentment builds up.

Then there’s how you treat yourself. Excessive self-criticism prolongs stress and activates the brain’s stress center. Being kind to yourself brings calm. Self-compassion means treating yourself in this situation the way you would treat a good friend. It’s part of self-care and shouldn’t have to wait for calmer times.

Some burdens are too heavy to bear alone. Talking to your pediatrician is a good first step, as is reaching out to family counseling centers. If the stress is ongoing, the youth welfare office can arrange for specific assistance with household chores or childcare, and many of these services are free of charge. Self-help groups and parent networks—such as those through the Kindernetzwerk—can also connect you with others in similar situations. Sharing your experiences often helps alleviate the feeling of going through this time alone. If exhaustion, ruminating thoughts, or irritability persist for weeks, medical or psychotherapeutic support for yourself can be helpful.

Rückenwind We support parents in such situations through coaching and counseling. This cannot replace a diagnosis or psychotherapy for your child. The assessment of a mental health condition is conducted exclusively by a child and adolescent psychiatrist or a medical or psychotherapeutic specialist.