Self-Compassion

Self-compassion describes an inner attitude: You treat yourself as kindly as you would treat a good friend during a difficult time. The American psychologist Kristin Neff coined the term “self-compassion” in her research and has made it measurable through questionnaires since the early 2000s.

For parents supporting a child with mental health challenges, the issue revolves around dealing with one’s own mistakes, feeling overwhelmed, and the sense of not getting enough done. Lying awake at night and berating oneself only increases one’s own tension and leads more quickly to exhaustion. This is exactly where self-compassion comes in. It means noticing that harsh inner voice in such moments and making it calmer and warmer. This isn’t a matter of personality; it’s something that can be practiced.

Neff describes self-compassion in terms of three interrelated components.

• Mindfulness: Simply acknowledging your own pain without downplaying it or getting lost in it. A statement like “This is hard for me right now” is a good place to start. You can read more about this under Mindfulness.
• Shared Humanity: Remembering that feeling overwhelmed and failing are part of everyone’s life. Other parents in similar situations experience the same sleepless nights. This knowledge helps you move beyond the feeling of being alone and of having failed in a special way.
• Self-Compassion: Actively offering yourself understanding in a difficult situation, rather than berating yourself. In other words, choose the words you would say to a friend sitting at the kitchen table.

There are now several thousand studies on self-compassion. Neff and her colleague Christopher Germer have developed an eight-week course program called Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) training. In a controlled study published in 2013 in the Journal of Clinical Psychology, participants reported significantly higher levels of self-compassion, mindfulness, and general well-being after the course compared to a control group on a waiting list.

Across many studies, higher levels of self-compassion are associated with less stress, fewer depressive symptoms, and less anxiety. People with this mindset are less likely to give up after setbacks and are more willing to tackle difficult tasks because their fear of their own inner judgment diminishes. For stressed-out parents, this serves as a buffer against the downward spiral of self-blame and loss of energy.

Self-compassion is often confused with self-pity or complacency. Research paints a different picture. People who treat themselves with kindness are less likely to get caught up in their own thoughts and are better able to see clearly what needs to be done. This mindset takes the pressure off one’s self-image and thereby creates space to take responsibility.

It also helps put feelings of guilt into perspective. Guilt doesn’t disappear at the push of a button, but it does subside when you stop punishing yourself for every imperfect reaction. Self-compassion forms the inner foundation upon which concrete self-care in everyday life can succeed at all. Without this kind attitude, every break remains just another item on the to-do list.

Self-compassion doesn’t require long courses to make a difference in everyday life. A few small anchors are enough to get started.

• Self-Compassion Break: In a stressful moment, say three sentences to yourself. “This is hard right now.” “Tough moments are part of being a parent.” “I’m allowed to be kind to myself right now.”
• Hand on Heart: Place one hand on your chest and breathe calmly. The warm touch calms the nervous system and often works faster than any good intention.
• The “Friend Test”: Before blaming yourself, briefly ask yourself how you would speak to a good friend in the same situation. Then say those words to yourself.

Exercises like these work through repetition. A few seconds, several times a day, over the course of weeks, will change the underlying tone in which you talk to yourself.

Self-compassion is a helpful tool for everyday life, but it is no substitute for treatment. If exhaustion persists, sleep is disrupted for weeks on end, or thoughts become dark and repetitive, you should seek professional help. The first places to turn are your family doctor’s office or a psychotherapy clinic.

Rückenwind This service is intended as coaching and support for parents. Janike is a social worker and parent coach currently training to become a child and adolescent psychotherapist; she is not licensed to practice medicine and does not make diagnoses. An assessment of mental health issues—whether in the child or the parents themselves—must be conducted exclusively by a medical or psychotherapeutic specialist; for children and adolescents, this is done through a child and adolescent psychiatry (KJP) practice.