Despair

Despair is a word from everyday language—not an entry in a diagnostic manual and not an ICD code. Parents use it when, while caring for a sick child, they reach a point where nothing seems to be working anymore. The appointment has been made, therapy is underway, food is on the table, and yet little is changing.

Three feelings often arise together in this situation: helplessness (I don’t know what to do anymore), hopelessness (it’s not getting better), and the feeling of having truly tried everything. In the case of an eating disorder, this can mean that a mother has been supervising every meal for months, recording weight, catching relapses, and feeling at the end of the day as though she hasn’t made any progress at all.

The term says nothing about character or parenting. It describes a breaking point that many parents encounter during a child’s long, uncertain illness. Some also carry a quiet grief over the carefree family life they had imagined (see Parental Grief for the Healthy Child).

Despair rarely remains just a thought. It manifests itself in the body and in everyday life.

• Sleep becomes fitful, and the whirlwind of thoughts continues through the night.
• Small tasks feel overwhelming, and it’s hard to make decisions.
• The threshold for emotional reactions drops; tears come more easily—or not at all.
• Contact with friends fades because there’s no energy left to talk.

Many parents also feel guilty for even thinking about their own stress. If this withdrawal lasts longer, it can turn into loneliness, even though people are nearby. Persistent exhaustion is also a common part of this picture.

A single difficult evening isn’t necessarily a cause for alarm. You should take notice if these feelings persist for weeks and you wake up in the morning already feeling like you won’t be able to get through the day.

Despair is an understandable reaction to a very stressful situation. It fluctuates depending on what is happening at the moment. After a positive conversation with a doctor or a peaceful weekend, it often eases. Depression, in the medical sense, behaves differently. It persists even when external circumstances improve.

Specialized websites describe a depressive episode in terms of three main symptoms: low mood, loss of interest and pleasure, and a lack of energy accompanied by rapid fatigue. These may be accompanied by additional symptoms such as sleep disturbances, difficulty concentrating, and feelings of worthlessness or guilt. Doctors diagnose depression when several of these symptoms persist almost continuously for at least two weeks.

This isn’t a threshold you have to measure on your own. If you notice that your low mood takes on a life of its own and persists for days on end, regardless of what’s happening around you, that’s a clear sign you should seek medical evaluation. Depression is treatable, and the sooner someone looks into it, the less you’ll have to deal with it on your own.

Ongoing despair is a reason to seek support for yourself, not just for your child. Your first point of contact could be your family doctor, a psychotherapy clinic, or a counseling center in your area. Anyone who has been caring for a sick child for months needs a place of their own where someone will listen.

This isn’t selfish. A child senses their parents’ mood and needs people by their side who still have some breathing room themselves. Replenishing your own energy is part of caring for your child.

If thoughts of not wanting to live anymore arise, seek help immediately. The Telephone Crisis Hotline is available 24/7 and free of charge at 0800 111 0 111, 0800 111 0 222, and 116 123. In an acute emergency, call 112 or go to the nearest psychiatric hospital. Talking about suicidal thoughts does not increase the risk; it can actually provide relief.

For more details on which number to call in which situation and how such a conversation works, see the Crisis Hotline section.

Support like that offered at Rückenwind can give you the space to make sense of your own experiences, find small ways to ease your burden, and gain a clearer understanding of your limits. Janike works as a social worker and parent coach and is in training to become a child and adolescent psychotherapist. She is not licensed and does not make diagnoses.

Only a medical or psychotherapeutic professional can determine whether your despair stems from depression that requires treatment. For your child, child and adolescent psychiatry (KJP) is the place to go for diagnosis and treatment. Coaching can support you along this journey, but it does not replace a professional evaluation.

If you’re unsure where to start, your family doctor is often the easiest first step. From there, you can determine what your child needs and what you need for yourself.