Emotion Regulation

Emotion regulation is the ability to recognize and name one’s own feelings and to influence their intensity and duration. A child who gets angry and then calms down after a short time is regulating their emotions. This refers to all emotions, both pleasant and unpleasant. Even overwhelming joy that a child can no longer contain is part of this.

Experts distinguish between two approaches. In the first, the child acts early, before the emotion becomes too intense: they divert their attention, seek comfort, or reassess the situation (“The tower fell over, so I’ll just build it back up”). In the second approach, the child intervenes later and holds back the expression of the emotion—such as tears. The early approach is considered more effective because it addresses the emotion as it arises. Mere suppression, on the other hand, drains energy and does not resolve the emotion internally. Regulation means dealing with joy, fear, anger, and disappointment in a way that allows a child to remain capable of acting and to return to play or conversation.

By the time they reach school age, children have developed four basic skills: they recognize their own feelings, express them through facial expressions and language, increasingly regulate them on their own, and understand what others are feeling. A two-year-old may act out almost uncontrollably when frustrated. A six-year-old is often already able to wait, distract themselves, or ask for help.

Typical strategies that children gradually learn include distraction, self-soothing, reframing a situation, and changing their own behavior. At first, parents do most of this work. This shared soothing is called co-regulation: The child draws on the adult’s calm until they have enough of it themselves. A baby who is picked up and stops crying experiences exactly that. So does a preschooler whose mother offers gentle words during an argument over sharing. Over time, thousands of such moments give rise to the ability to self-regulate. The path is not a straight one. Tired, hungry, or sick children may temporarily regress to an earlier stage, and this is normal as part of their development.

In ADHD, certain regulatory circuits in the brain function differently. The frontal lobe and the striatum are involved—regions that integrate motivation, emotion, thought, and movement. Neurotransmitters such as dopamine and norepinephrine are not in their usual balance in these areas. The result is impaired self-control. Children with ADHD are more likely to lose control even over minor issues, react quickly and intensely, and take longer to calm down. Impulse control is part of this.

Even without ADHD, a child’s ability to regulate their emotions suffers under stress. Lack of sleep, arguments, sensory overload, and anxiety deplete a child’s reserves. Attachment research demonstrates this physically: In securely attached toddlers, the heart rate quickly returns to normal after a brief separation as soon as the mother returns. Children with insecure attachments take significantly longer to recover. When a familiar person is present, the release of the stress hormone cortisol is lower, and blood pressure rises less sharply. An overstimulated brain therefore has less capacity left to intervene and calm the situation. That’s why many children are more likely to have a tantrum in the late afternoon, after a full day at daycare, or in loud, bustling environments.

Parents are the most important tool for emotional regulation while a child is still developing their own. Here are some practical tips:

• First, stay calm yourself. A child in the midst of an emotional storm is most likely to calm down when faced with a calm adult.
• Name the emotions: “You’re angry because the tower is broken.” This gives the child words to describe what’s going on inside them.
• During defiant phases, remain consistent and set boundaries without getting caught up in power struggles.
• After the storm, offer comfort before evaluating the behavior.
• Establish consistent routines. Routines for meals, sleep, and homework reduce the number of points of friction.

Children with ADHD often need this support for longer periods and more frequently than their peers. This is exhausting and says nothing about how they were raised.

Some children struggle to move past intense emotional states for years. Prolonged and frequent outbursts of anger, combined with difficulties at preschool or school and significant distress in daily life, are warning signs that warrant a professional evaluation. Persistent problems with emotional regulation are linked to many psychological challenges in childhood and adolescence. One indicator is a comparison with peers: If your child’s outbursts are significantly longer and more intense than those of their peers, it’s worth talking to your pediatrician as a first point of contact.

Rückenwind Janike, a social worker and parent coach currently training to become a child and adolescent psychotherapist, provides coaching to help you, as parents, navigate such phases. She does not make diagnoses. Only a child and adolescent psychiatrist or a medical or psychotherapeutic specialist can determine whether ADHD or another cause lies behind these emotional outbursts.