Realistic Expectations of Yourself as a Mother or Father

Many parents carry expectations that, in the long run, no one can live up to. Stay patient, even at the end of a long day. Be present while the laundry is running and dinner is on the way. On top of that, be loving, organized—and do everything at once, if possible. That’s the ideal picture. But in everyday life, it feels like a marathon with no finish line.

Very few of these expectations were consciously chosen by you. They stem from your own childhood, your surroundings, self-help books, and social media. And they drain your energy.

In short

Most expectations of good parenting go unnoticed. No one has ever questioned them, and they’re set too high. That’s exactly where relief begins.

Where Your Expectations Come From

You rarely choose your expectations of parenthood. Many stem from your own childhood: “Things should be better than they were for me.” Others come from those around you: “Everyone else is managing, after all.”

Added to this is a parenting culture that idealizes intensive parenting. If you want to be a good parent, you’re supposed to know everything about every developmental stage, react empathetically in every situation, and constantly question your own behavior. Sounds good. But it takes more than most families can muster in their day-to-day lives.

How Unrealistic Expectations Take Their Toll

Unrealistic expectations create a constant gap between what we demand of ourselves and reality. That gap is where feelings of guilt take root. It drains our energy and prevents any sense of contentment from even emerging.

As long as your standard remains unattainable, you’re bound to fall short. This shortfall feels like failure. Yet it shows one thing above all: the standard isn’t right.

• Constant Discrepancy Between What You Want and What You Can Do
• Feelings of guilt that never fully disappear
• Contentment slips out of reach
• Exhaustion feels like a personal shortcoming

How to recalibrate your expectations

Take a close look at your expectations one by one. Which of them did you consciously choose? Which ones did you adopt without ever questioning them? Often, this one question is enough to realize where you’re putting too much pressure on yourself.

This can serve as a sufficient benchmark: My child is safe, feels seen, and we have a connection. If that’s true, it’s enough. The rest can be put aside for now.

Frequently Asked Questions

Isn’t it normal to have high expectations of yourself?

High standards are human. But if they remain permanently unattainable, they no longer provide stability. Then they just wear you out.

How do I figure out which expectations are unrealistic?

Pay attention to which expectations you regularly fail to meet, even though you’re trying your best. Anything that can only be achieved by pushing yourself too hard is usually set too high.

What Helps Now

“Good enough” has nothing to do with resignation. This is where your parenting begins to become sustainable—for your child and for you.

Read more and explore further

• Why Comparisons Are Harmful. This applies when external standards fuel your expectations.
• Guilt as a parent. Helpful when your expectations have long since turned into guilt.
• Self-compassion in the glossary. For a kinder view of yourself.
• Download the free e-book. It offers guidance on how to cope with feeling overwhelmed.