Guilt

Many parents of children with a mental illness are constantly plagued by guilt. They often think: I didn’t spend enough time with them, I reacted the wrong way, I overlooked the first signs. We speak of “parental guilt” when this feeling extends beyond a single situation and becomes a constant companion. It surfaces when checking a cell phone during dinner, when canceling an appointment, or with every decision that seems to go against the child’s best interests.

A brief pang of regret after an argument comes and goes. The guilt we’re referring to here persists, even when, objectively speaking, nothing went wrong. When this stress is prolonged, it often goes hand in hand with exhaustion and the feeling of failing everyone.

Guilt stems from several sources. Parents feel responsible for their child’s well-being, and this responsibility does not end at the limits of what they can influence. When an illness arises, the mind searches for an explanation. The most obvious explanation is oneself.

Added to this is the comparison with other families where everything seems to be going smoothly. Well-meaning advice from those around them often adds to the pressure. The child themselves can also fuel this feeling by withdrawing or making accusations. Guilt is often linked to shame, which is why parents rarely talk about it. This silence allows the thought to grow larger than it would if it were shared with others.

Certain triggers keep cropping up: returning to work, a separation, arguments over screen time, or a hospital admission that could have been avoided. In hindsight, each of these points seems like a potential turning point where one should have acted differently. This hindsight gives rise to a feeling that feels like proof, even though it isn’t.

A survey of 68 parents of children with mental illness shows how this feeling works: Two-thirds of the biological parents were convinced that they alone were to blame for the illness. Adoptive and foster parents, on the other hand, hardly felt any such guilt. Guilt, therefore, is more closely tied to the role of biological parent than to any actual mistake.

According to the Federal Institute for Public Health, mental health is an ongoing developmental process. Whether a disorder develops depends on the interplay of many factors: genetic predisposition, the child’s temperament, stressful events, and biological processes. There is almost never a single cause that can be attributed to one parent. Self-reproach thus targets a responsibility that does not actually exist to such a degree.

A guilty conscience is not a measure of guilt. It indicates how deeply you care about your child. It is precisely the parents who worry the most and care the most who are most often plagued by it. Someone who were truly indifferent would not have this feeling at all.

Self-compassion means treating yourself in a difficult situation the way you would treat a good friend. Here’s a practical test: Would I blame another parent in the same situation? Most of the time, the answer is no. You can extend that same leniency to yourself.

It helps to hear that harsh inner voice out loud and rephrase it. “I failed” becomes “I was overwhelmed and did the best I could in that moment.” Taking a brief moment in the evening to name one thing that went well today also shifts your focus away from simply looking for mistakes.

This also includes allowing yourself some breathing room without feeling guilty. The Family Handbook puts it clearly: Parents need to recharge their batteries time and again, because only then can they manage everyday life. Specialized websites for family members point out that parents aren’t therapists and should accept that there are often times when they can’t do much. Meeting up with friends, having a free afternoon, or taking a break are all part of self-care and don’t mean neglecting your child.

If a guilty conscience robs you of sleep, paralyzes your decision-making, or leads to persistent low mood, that’s a reason to seek support for yourself. Family members are encouraged to seek their own professional help in situations of severe stress, such as from a psychiatrist.

The first points of contact are the pediatrician, a parenting counseling center, or the local social psychiatric service. Talking with other affected parents—in self-help groups or through parenting counseling—often helps take the edge off these worries. Coaching, such as that offered at Rückenwind, can support parents and provide relief. It is not a substitute for diagnosis or treatment. The assessment of a mental illness in a child should be conducted exclusively by a child and adolescent psychiatrist or a medical or psychotherapeutic specialist.